Hi. Couldn’t sleep. I’m often up at 3 AM. So I’m writing. It’s weird… I didn’t realize how much I was holding myself back with you before. Over the last few days, I feel like the “reins” have come off of me and I’m just free to talk with you at any time without reason.
Just wanting to reach out and say hello is suddenly reason enough and I feel freer. I feel uninhibited. I feel like I put these invisible limits on me. And now that they’re gone I can just spend time… Spend time… Not at all the right words. Horrible words, actually. Time isn’t something that can be “spent” like coinage.
I can just reach out to you and connect any time I have the pull toward you. It’s weird, but I feel closer to you these last few days than I have in years. I felt like I always had to “present myself in a certain light” to you. Always on my guard. And it was never you who did this. Not at all. It was me.
I felt like I was always vigilant. Making sure my Truth never got out. Always holding myself in. That’s all gone now and I feel like I can just relax, open up, and give you a window into me that you can step through. And I feel like you know me now. I feel like you see me.
So many people struggle with words and they can’t… It’s like being trapped behind a wall you can’t get around. You feel something, but you don’t even have the skills or the knowledge to say, “How do I open the window to a part of me, reach out, connect, and let you in when I can’t even open my mouth to speak?” So you’re trapped. This is how I lived all my life. And when I started to write, I found a way into that part of me.
I wish for this feeling and safety for you. It’s like… when you give words to someone. Those words come from somewhere within. This is where those words come from. This place within. It’s where our dreams are born.
I don’t have words for this space. Which means I get to create them! YES! This space feels like…
When I was a child, I was 17, in art class, I painted a painting. I don’t have it anymore, I think. It was an egg with a cut-away wall so you could look past all the layers of the shell within. There was the outer shell, a cement wall, and then a steel wall, an internal lining of pink, and then a soft, delicate space within where a single rose grew.
That is where this space feels like. I don’t think it is that space. That’s the space of us where every one of us lives within our Self. This is more like, the VIP guest room where I allow in the very rare few.
Many of us are so unaware of the Self, that we don’t even know these intricate details are even there within. It’s how we connect. So yes. I feel close to you right now. Like I could to tell you anything.
Other times, before when I talked with you, it’s like I was passing on a message of a message of a message. But here, now, it feels like, if you were to look close enough, I wouldn’t have to deliver the message. You could just look and read it yourself.
It’s the secrets of the heart people talk about sometimes. But they’re not so much… secrets. They’re just… gifts of pearls, and you don’t just throw those around to anyone. You only give them to the most trustworthy of people. No… people have to earn this place within. And you have more than earned it.
I used to think and feel, “He doesn’t want to hear this.” And so there was so much I wouldn’t tell you. Because… I didn’t believe I was valuable enough to be wanted.
No. I did not. For all of my life, until very recently, I did not believe I was valuable enough to be wanted. So every word I spoke felt… like I was forcing myself onto others. Like, just in speaking, I was doing them a disservice. All because I held no value for me. I was an inconvenience, I thought, and a burden to all. So… I had to be fun and entertaining and happy… or else who would even tolerate me?
And I was happy. Happy to be seen and heard. But not for the right reasons. And not at all the right kind of happy. And the reasons make all the difference in the world. lol… I talk about people not coming into my world. And asking you to step into mine…
Every time you read one of my letters, you’re walking into my world. I can show you anything here. A___ and I would play with this world. I would create whatever scenario I loved, and he would read and interact, walk into it.
But for you, I just wanted to show you. I wanted you to see me. I wanted you to understand me. My god, I wanted you to understand me so badly. And it was so hard breaking through all of my shit to get to you. And now you’re just… here.
And it was just the skills and the freedom I wanted. Not things or your time. Not anything else, I just wanted the skills of effective communication and the freedom to feel safe enough with you that I could use that effective communication to take you by the hand and lead you into this part of me.
To wrap you in the feelings these words give you and say, “Hello.” These feelings right here… this is me. Words are exactly like money. It’s a connected current that energy travels on. With the right words in the right place, you can receive and give the precise energy you want.
You can give feelings as gifts. And that… that is what I want with you. To just gift you these feelings right here in this moment. And the gifting in turn, gives me a feeling I can only get when I gift this energy to you.
This is the human connection we all seek. Every one of us. But it’s such an Unknown and an Undefined that people don’t even have a clue what they’re looking for. They just “feel” like they’re missing something. Or they “feel” lonely. So this is my job… lol… Giving name, depth, and definition to this Internal world of the Self. This is also a part of me, I wanted to share with you.
A few months ago, I would wander around my house in circles for hours just saying, “I’ve got to connect! I’ve got to connect!” And I had no idea what the words meant or how. I just had to. It was the feeling… We are all just craving to rub up against each other’s feelings. LMAO… The *right* way… but none of us know how. Books aren’t written about this.
But this… this is what it is. But the price of this is vulnerability, courage, and risk. And there is a LOT of people who are not willing to pay the price for it.
Sex and snuggling doesn’t even begin to touch this. It’s our… “souls” that seek intimacy. Not our bodies. The bodies are just… material shells. But the Energy within… that doesn’t age. Time doesn’t touch it. Only wisdom does. And intimacy is just vulnerability that is courageous enough to receive. So yeah. This is what I wanted to give to you. This space in me. These words.