The Silent Pageant


It is a concept that I have long, since abandoned alongside the Trauma World most everyone else lives in. When I put the world down and walked away a’ La Atlas Shrugged in September 2022, Dating and “Relationships” were cast aside with it.

I identify as “Free.” No longer labelling myself around the confines of “with” a relationship or “without” a relationship. Simply put “Relationship Status” is no longer an Identifier that I allow others to put on me. I am Free. I don’t “Do” relationships. I Do Connections.

Living inside this Mindset has opened up a new world that has freed my mind from Toxic Societal Expectations that I am no longer held to, and I cannot begin to explain the freedom that comes with this mindset.

Here, outside the confines of Cultural Norms, there is The Nomad’s Wilderness : Home of The Outcast. It is a barren wasteland of vast open space that very much resembles the empty space of deserted desert as far as the eye can see. People fall into a simple system : Either I trust them, or I don’t. If I trust them, they have earned it and have proven themselves trustworthy enough to gain access to me. If I don’t trust them, it is because I don’t know them or they have failed my simple, ethical and vulnerability tests.

If I trust them, they have the opportunity to “level up” and can get close enough to me to become one of my Elite. Intimacy and sexuality can become an option. If I don’t trust them, they can’t even get access to my Audience. All new introductions are done through vetted referrals. I meet no one new who has not been referred to me by an established, trusted source.

My life, my community, my system has never run more smoothly or simply in my entire life. I am happy.

Recently, I’ve graduated from the 12th Stage of Ethical Perspective Growth of the I of I and have entered into the 1st Ethical Perspective Growth of the You of I. This time, it is not my own Qualities I am Identifying. It is my Partner’s.

And now I find myself in a bit of a conundrum.

“What do I want in a… “Partner?” I ask. How do I go about determining the qualifications of a mate? What system should I use?”

I reflect deeply on my options. On what has been done. What is currently in practice in the Toxic Trauma World, and I immediately throw all of it away. I am a new Society. I am a new Mindset. What do I have before me? I count my resources.

I am a Queen. I reside in Anna Land. I have my community. I smile. The most logical conclusion? A Pageant! Now this… This fills me with excitement and wonder.

I took up my Social Skills and Existential Tools yesterday and began asking the ultimate questions.

What qualities do I want in a Partner?

What do I like / hate about dating?

How does someone like me go about finding a mate?

What would I call my ideal mate?

A king. I did not have to think long or hard on that one.

So here I was, suddenly carving out the qualifications of A King.

Why? I asked. What would be the purpose of this King? Why do I need a King?

I don’t, came the sharp reply.

Then why have a King? Was this someone I wanted or needed and why? Could I just be without a King for the rest of my life?

Yes. I could, I determined rather quickly.

Then why would you want this?

Because I want to Share my Kingdom, my Self, and my Life with someone.

And the warmth that filled me made me purr with joy. I loved Sharing, and while I have a number of people in my life already who shared a number of aspects of me, I wanted one who would share the most intimate and private things with me.

I wanted to share my Wealth. I wanted to share my time. I wanted to share my holidays with this person. My King.

Not because I was lonely. Not at all. But because I wanted to celebrate and rejoice. I wanted to share my victories. I wanted to share Me. I wanted it to feel Right. I wanted it to feel Good. I wanted it to give me Joy. I wanted to share Joy with this person, My King.

It was decided then. It seems a Pageant was in order.

But how do I find this King of mine?

I scoffed. Find? I do not “find.” The Universe will bring him to me when I am ready. My King will come to me, I declared.

And what qualifications would this King of mine require?

I felt all the prejudice and fear in my mind shift, fracture, and slide away.

What would my “dream King” look like, not in appearance, but in personal qualities?

Now this… this is when the Psychology of the You of I became interesting!

I turned toward myself.

What qualities do I have that I value and love the most? Which qualities of mine do I wish to share and see reflected in my King?

At once, I built the list.

What Man would be deserving of the Throne to my wealth, my world, my mind, and my realm? Deserving enough that I would call him King?

I composed the list, polishing the qualities, not making a single, physical requirement. It was his mind, his Identity, his Values that I defined. I finished the list and looked it over again and again.

And suddenly, just like that, I wanted my King to find me.

I reflected on my last partner.

If he is not my King, then I had wasted way too much time and energy on him. If he is my King, then…

I considered my Circle of Trust and evaluated “The Candidates.” I had three, at least.

This “contest” has no “timeline.” There will be no deadline or urgency, I decided.

And it must be Silent.

The Candidates cannot, must not know that they are “in the running” against competitors. For that will skew the results. At once, I demoted my last partner, placing him within the Circle of Trust precisely where he communicated to me he wanted to be balanced also with where I felt he and I currently were. Level #4, “Strangers.”

No, I said. I do not trust him. Not any more. All the more reason to confirm that I’ve wasted too much time and energy on someone not meant for me.

Hence why I suddenly have an “opening” for the Throne positioned next to mine.

And I do want to Share Me, my life, my Wealth, my Joy with someone. For the sake of just… Enjoyment.

As if I had crafted a well-thought out chess board, I reviewed this Pageant of mine where the “Winner” would receive the Title of “My King.” No timeline. No urgency. No competition. They simply must “qualify” and pass the qualifications and tests. They simply have to “match” the requirements. If, under some insane miracle, I end up with more than one candidate… My energy and intuition will be required to make the Final Choice.

I realized, just then, that it is the Title of “My King” who I am loyal to. My Vows, my Promises, my Dedications… all have always gone to Him. My problem all of my life has been placing that “Title” onto the wrong man. Over and over again. Well, I said. No more. I am tired of clothing random men with the title of “My King” without properly assessing and qualifying men who are not deemed worthy enough to wear that title.

I am not looking for this man. He will come to me.

And so, just like that, the Silent Contest has begun. And the moment the man becomes aware of the Contest, he is disqualified.

Game. Set. Match.

Alright, My Lady, My Universe. Bring him to me. Let him find me. I want my King. At last, I am ready for him.

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