The Self vs. Narcissism

I can’t get away from this. Not yet. There is too much to reflect on.

I am on Day #5 of removing Romance-Narcissism from me and today is the first day where I feel more whole and stable than lost and devastated. I can see a future. I can see me, alone, without the “need” of Narcissism that suffocates.

Clearer than ever, I can see how Narcissism was always just a competition where the Narcissist pitted the Self against the Belonging. I noticed how the word “Mother” is synonymous with “Narcissist” in our culture.

The woman says, “Oh my god! I am not his mother!” when referring to a man who seeks out a woman to save him. The Mother Role of “Super Mom” was just a Narcissist who sought to “Save” her children from themselves. In fact, if a Mother did not behave like a Narcissist, with that codependent “Savior” Complex, she was abused, shamed, and thrown away from society. Labelled “a bad mother.”

A good Mother was always the revered “Narcissist.” The Super Hero.

I said it so many times before. That Narcissism began with our Mothers in our culture. Now, the logical proof is just pouring in.

I feel sheer disgust over “Romance” now. I can’t be near the word without seeing it as the Narcissistic Death of the Self in the Name of Love.

So what is Mother?

What is the First Ethical Perspective?

Imagine a mother who cheers you on from the side lines. “I love you. I support you. I will cheer you on, but I will not do it for you.” Samwise comes to mind.

“I cannot carry this burden for you, but I can carry you.”

It is that.

They say, “Reach! Don’t you dare let go!” but they don’t enable.

They say, “I cheer you on. I support you. I believe in you. And I know you can carry yourself. I know you can stand up at your lowest and fight! Now fight! You can do it! But I can’t fight this war for you.”

Imagine a mother as the Boxer’s Manager who stays in the corner, giving you water, cheering you on, coaching you… but you have to the one in the ring. You have to be in the box winning the fight. You have to do the training. The Mother just cheers you on and guides you.

Every day I feel stronger. I feel more defined. I feel more certain, solid, aware.

I understand now how much every word I spoke was selected to exact a desired response. This is manipulation. This is Narcissism. And I had no idea. I see now how every word I wrote or said to my partner was chosen based on “what would bring him closer to me,” or “what would draw him in to me.” This is manipulation.

Instead of allowing him to move and flow with my Authentic Words, I carefully chose and spoke each word with an end design in mind. This is manipulation. This is Narcissism.

And I had no idea.

Since purging the Narcissism from my mind, I feel free of the despair, the fear, and the control. I feel like I have stepped out of the Dance. Maybe he will come back. Maybe he won’t. I don’t care either way anymore. I love him. Deeply. Very much, but his participation in my life is no longer required.

With or without him, I know where I am going. I know where I belong. I know who I am. His participation in my life is no longer a factor in my own journey.

The best part of all of this?

I will finally have my answer, and I finally don’t need it at all.

I have decided that I do love him after all. With the Narcissism now gone, it took me a few days, but I realized, yes. I do still, very much love him. I always have. But I no longer need or want the Story. Whether or not he loves me, well… he needs to figure that out for himself. And… you know what, I really don’t care, one way or the other how this Story goes. If it ends here. If it enfolds. If it continues.

I wish I had made it a better story.

I regret the amount of pain I caused him.

And there is nothing I can do about it.

All I can do is learn from this, forgive myself, and keep walking down my path knowing that I am better for it.

This is what it is to live without Narcissism. It is the confidence, the security, and the Independence of the Self. It is all lack of Hope… because, when you have Confidence, you rise well above the need for Hope.

You just know.

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