Gifting Trauma

Today is Christmas Day.

This is a day of trauma for me. The reason is due to the gifts. Gifts were used by my Owners/Husbands (No difference) to keep me indebted. “Here. Have this “Gift.” Now you owe me.”

This is how my father “gave” “gifts.” How my Owners and Husbands all “gave” “gifts.” To accept a “gift,” of which I had no choice or would be deemed “Ungrateful” would be to accept (by force) the debt and implied ownership that would come with that “gift.”

Needless to say, to this day, when I open a gift, I can still feel me trading in my freedom for some stupid, material possession. It always results in me crying, shaking, and sobbing while I open a gift.

With every rip of the paper, I feel my freedom slipping away.

Today was no exception.

I don’t want gifts. I won’t accept them. My family knows this about me. Only with my Imp King, of whom the Emotion of Pure “Love” and “Gift” is so strong with him, can I accept a gift and experience it freely as it should be. Today, as I opened my daughter’s gift, the familiar loss of freedom slipped away as I tore at the tape. I broke down.

This was the first gift I had received where I could finally understand, articulate, and break down the Psychology to process it. Finally. It has been 30 years of Enslavement coming to an end.

Gifts were how my “Indentured Servitude” began. I was 15. My first owner “gave.” And I “owed” him. I spent 6 months trying to “pay off” that “debt.” My second Owner is when this trauma really warped my mind into the Enslavement that would define my life. His “gifts” were “given” during and immediately after sex to trauma bond my enslavement with the sexual hormones that left me indebted. And his “gifts” were extravagant, “generous” and vast. To decline, was to be labelled “ungrateful” and “selfish.” And always came with chains.

“He did so much for me. The least I could do was…”

Forced Prostitution was the result.

Diving deeper into the Psychology, I see what it was really that had been done to me.

Gifting and the Emotional Transaction that comes with it are the ingredients of Human Connection. There is, simply put, no other way to Connect with a Human Being but through the act of Gift Exchange. Whether we give words, bids for connection, touch, attention, time, words, love, a smile, material possessions, this is the Emotional Transaction of Gifting-Receiving-Gratitude-Openness that results always in Human Connection.

Forced “Giving” is actually Forced Connection.

Which actually resulted in Trauma Associated with Human Connection. And there it is. I point to the part of my Logical Health that associated Intimacy with Rape that extends well beyond sexuality, but the rape of Human Connection without Consent itself.

I feel the re-wiring in my Subconscious Mind as the Understanding sorts out the Logic Loop that confused me for more than 30 years.

And just like that I am, at long last, free.

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