You’ve shut me down as much as I can be shut down. You don’t permit conversation really between us anymore. I’ve started this letter and I don’t even know if I’m sending it or not.
Lately, every time I write to you, I just don’t, thinking, “He doesn’t give a fuck.”
I used to feel like I could tell you anything. Now, I feel like I can’t tell you anything. Our love that we shared was important to me. Apparently, it isn’t important to you that you can just throw it away.
People do that now. They throw love away when it no longer serves them like people and love is disposable. And I think, “Why the fuck would I work to save a world like that?”
I’ve seen the worst this world has to offer. And I have yet to see any good in it. I did with you, but not anymore. And I wonder what love is. Why we love at all? I sure as hell don’t anymore. The thing is, love was the only thing worth living for in this piece of shit world.
And I think every day about everything you’ve ever told me about love and your opinions and feelings about love… I’ve studied so much on love and purpose… love truly is the only purpose to life. And when you live not feeling love…
I hold your opinion in high regard. You’re the smartest man I know. You’re the smartest person I know. Smarter than me sometimes. And I know you think I’m arrogant, but when Neuroscientists and people with 4 Doctorates degrees call you a genius… when supposedly, “the smartest people on the planet” revere YOU and what you’ve built… you ask questions like, “If someone is smarter than me, then why has no one else built what I have built? Why has that person not done what I have done?”
And that is my truth. I am the smartest because I have come the farthest, and then I cured mental illness and used it to create a plan for world peace… And then I built a Self-Propelling plan to put that Engine into our society and fix everything… Mostly everything…
And when Psychologists and Neuroscientists, Sociologists, and Physicist confirm your work and call you a fucking genius… You believe it. So why does my intelligence matter?
Because as smart as I am, I can’t figure out love. Or maybe… I can. And that matters because In two months, I’m putting my Healing Engine into society to let it go through and start fixing this place… but why should I? It’s two days out from Thanksgiving and no one has asked me what my plans are or what I’m doing. No one, not even you, has even noticed the hell I’m living. Everything I gave up because I saw this Healing Engine in May of 2022, and I could do little else but focus on building it…
But my head was too messed up for me to work. It kept getting in my way. And my communication then was too primitive for me to articulate to you what I saw. The problem with Genius is the people who are most smart, arrive in a state of mind first where the words don’t yet exist to articulate their thoughts. So, invariably, the smartest of people almost always talk in gibberish until they learn to invent a language and teach it to others. The first Ethic. Geniuses are much like newborns in the world.
That is what I did this last year. I had to define what I saw and invent the language so I could communicate to the World, “I invented a Healing Engine that uses our own natural Human Evolution, Learning, and Behavior to self-propel the cure to resourcefulness and mental illness into and through our society, and I’ve invented and built the plan to utilize is, troubleshoot it, and circumvent all problems we can expect. It’s done and ready to go.”
Every meeting I have, the people say to me, mouths agape, “You are so succinct.”
I will win the Nobel Peace prize for this.
And you have no idea. Juan. I do not need you to love me. I do need you to receive my words though. Because my words are love. And…
I have seen the worst in this world. I will not detail all I have seen to you. You’re too gentle for that. But with all the knowledge crammed into my brain, I look at you and wonder, “Are you right about love?” I know nothing about love… or… maybe I do. And I have got to figure this out because I’m holding this Healing Engine in my hands asking if I should sink this and walk away.
Every one of us have Truths. Life and Healing is all about finding our Truth. Now, I have found mine. You are lost and have not yet found yours. And we’re both smart. And we both are stupid about love. But loving you restored my faith in humanity.
And not loving you takes that all away. And if I was just some stupid little person with a stupid little job, I would then know that I could find any ol’ stupid little man or love to plug into my stupid little life.
But I’m not. Men aren’t made for me in this world. Not at all in the traditional sense. Relationships ARE NOT for me. I am Free. It means I live and love outside of all the System. It means I boycott it. I don’t even answer to it. I can’t. I won’t. I refuse. I’m putting it down and saying, “This system is wrong and I don’t acknowledge it anymore.” And when you know how to shift a single word and change the world, you see the world differently than most.
I can create any world I want to. So that is what my work is. It is me, analyzing the ethics, the morals, the psychology of human behavior using the Emotional Energy of Physics, Logic, Psychology, Sociology, and Human Behavior. I know the consequence of every “rule” I am building to put into this Healing Engine. It is IMPERATIVE that my ETHICS BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
And that my dear, is where you come in.
What is love? Why do we love? Love is when you care for someone without the exchange or trade of resources. That, my love, is love. Love is giving. 100% and completely without considering losses or gains. Love is exempt from debts.
And there it is. I had to lose everything with you, strip you and I down to the bare bones to realize this. I don’t even get love from you. And… I don’t care. I love you. It isn’t your love for me that keeps me going. It isn’t your love for me that inspires me to live. It isn’t your love for me that gives me purpose.
It is my love for you that does all those things. And I know love scares you. I know it hasn’t been kind to you. I know you feel like “I have nothing to give.” But that is the best part of love. Love doesn’t require resources. It is the only thing in the world that creates, procreates, and multiplies without the need for resources. Hence “Making Love” and how it creates offspring.
In all my studies, I often was perplexed why “child” was used as an opposite to “parent.” It’s not logical. Child indicates an age and is the opposite of “adult.” Child means “Unripe adult”… lol… So then I thought, what is the opposite of “Parent?”
Mary Shelley knew this answer for there was no “Monster” ever in Frankenstein. There was ever only Frankenstein, “The Father” and “His Creation.” My children are actually my Creations. That is their true Name. As you are the Creation of your parents.
I won’t get into the religious prejudice that steered us far away from that word, supplanting “child” in its place to wipe “Creation” clean from our own language system over the last 200 years… God forbid we ever imply that a Human Person could Create like a God. Instead, I’ll conclude my own argument that I have been battling in my head since I met you… since I first saw The King and I back in 1995… Why do we love?
Anna and the King… How ironic that I call you my King. Another little joke from the Universe.
We think love is illogical. But it is not. Love, my King, is the core of our Logical Lines. For Love is the beginning. It has to be because it is without resources. Love is the only thing that can be at the beginning for it comes from nothing. It must. Because Love is without Source… which is why it does not require reSOURCEs. From Love comes what we value.
What we Love and what we Value compose our Beliefs. And these three Elements create the Human Subconscious and the Core Identity of the Self. When we don’t know who we are, it is because we have lost what we Love. Extraordinary, isn’t it? That the entire Subconscious Mind, our Truth, Logical Line, and our Sanity are all dependent upon us knowing what we love.
Depression is the grievance of that Love.
Every one of us must know and remember what we love, for Love is the beginning of The Self.
And just like that… There is all the reason in the world why I should put this Healing Engine into our Society. Because I do love you.
Victor Hugo once wrote, “If no one loved, the sun would go out.” I know now what he meant. Victor Hugo was at 12 Perspective. He could see the world like I do. I know you don’t yet know what that means, but you will. The entire world will very soon.
I know, sometimes, I say things that hurt you and upset you. But… pain is a part of people. Not love. People. Love is what makes the pain with people worth the pain. And people are WORTH it. Love is most definitely worth it. And I know you are at your limit some days. And other days, all days, no matter what, I am on your side. I am with you. This is what it means to say that I belong with you. Because we only ever love like this when it comes from nothing.
“Why do you love me?” is the most illogical conundrum the Human Race has plagued itself with. There is no “Why” for Love. It is without reason, but it is with the purest of logic that we love. Love is above reason and purpose. For that truly is Love. But it is the First Law of Logic for without Love then nothing else would matter. Truly.
And I do love you, Juanito, so very much. For absolutely no purpose, reason, or gain. I love you.